Waiheke, Aotearoa New Zealand

October 18, 2020

Yep. Still depression.

By Tuesday afternoon, I finally got it. I'd run through all the normal things that help me when I'm burnt out, haven't slept enough, need food, need to get out of the house, and need social time. All the usual suspects.

Still felt low, out of energy. Able to finish like 10% of what I expected for the day. And it hit me: right. Depression.

Sigh.

Honestly, it's not the sadness or the grey or the crazy thoughts that define how I feel about depression these days. It's annoyance. Like pretty much anyone with a chronic condition will tell you, sometimes, you just don't get to live life on your terms, and it is complete bullshit.

I've been through this so many times now. Enough to know it will pass, what to do, the whole rigamarole. But damn, it doesn't make actually sitting through these days any easier.

This year has been more challenging than most to identify when Aunt Dee has stopped by. Am I down and low energy because my brain is being weird, or because of, you know, the metric ton of crazy and awful and overwhelming that 2020 has been, month after month and loss after loss?

Who knows.

But I do know that my least-favorite aunt is plopped down on my couch now, getting cheeto crumbs everywhere. Which is ridiculous. I just vacuumed.

Anyhow, it's one of those weeks when I don't have any smart or beautiful things to write you because my brain is being funny. But hey, you've been here for a while. You know this is kind of the deal sometimes. :)

Thanks for coming along through weeks like this, the ups and the downs. And if you deal with depression sometimes too, know I'm right there with you.

See you next week,

-Steven

p.s. The best thing I saw all week was this genuinely great news on China and climate policy. That regardless of how I'm feeling, we're actually doing big things on climate change, and the impossible is starting to feel like it's in reach - and that I might live to see it. :)

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