14 things I've learned about love.

There are all these stories about how all we need is love, and finding and maintaining a serious relationship is a core part of most people's life dreams. But nobody ever bothers to tell us how to do that. Here's what I've learned.

1. It's not about you.

In the surprisingly good Doctor Strange, there is one beautiful, fantastically amazing line that pays the whole movie - and Tilda Swinton's whole performance - off.

It's not about you.

It's simple, beautiful, deeply kind. Get over yourself. Focus your energy on other people, including your partner.

In relationships, it does double duty - telling you that whatever your person is reacting really strongly to, odds are it's not about you. Be kind. Be calm. Support them, and you'll be surprised how far that takes you.

2. Emotions matter.

Tune in. Listen. Make a safe space for each of you, and then learn how you each work. This work is going to be unexpectedly difficult. You and your person are going to have to figure out how to get access to your own emotions, and then communicate them to each other. For some people it's through their bodies. For some it's through writing. For some it just comes out.

For nearly everybody, it's as hard as learning a second language, and for nearly everybody, the perspective of a professional therapist is really useful. But one way or another, you'll have to bridge that gap.

3. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

It's been a hard-won lesson for me that especially in times of conflict when I'm upset, the right thing to do is almost always to communicate clearly that I'm committed to figuring things out, and that I need time to settle and re-center before actually doing that repair. And then to take time to watch some youtube or go for a walk - to do things that let me get perspective and re-ground.

4. There is no house. You have to build it, one brick at a time.

For the longest time, I carried some kind of fairy-tale version of relationships with me. That you'd just meet the right person, fall in love, and the "poof", you'd have this wonderful structure of your relationship to shelter you both from the world. Somewhere safe and warm and comforting.

But friend, and it took me a divorce to learn this - there is no house. If you want a strong relationship, you have to build it slowly and methodically over time. By being there for each other. Understanding. And by screwing up - and repairing.

5. Hurts will happen. Learn how to repair.

The key to a lasting, happy relationship is not perfection, trying super hard, or never making mistakes. It's repair. Just like our muscles, our relationships get stronger when they're strained and then repaired. Strength and trust are built over time by putting in work repairing, communicating, and understanding.

6. Sex Matters.

Psychologists agree it's one of the best barometers for relationship health, and best things we can do to bond. Keep having it. If it's not happening (and this happens to all of us), figure out why, dig in, be brave and vulnerable, and fix it.

7. There will be shit days.

Even the best relationships have hard times. Commit to the process.

7a. There must also be great days.

Abuse is not love. Not all relationships work. Not all relationships work forever. That is not a failure.

If your relationship doesn't bring you more meaning, happiness, and satisfaction than it does pain and stress, either fix it or get out.

8. Get real allies.

Find, cherish, and maintain relationships with people who are advocates for you both, and for your relationship. Having separate friendships and places to vent are great. But drop people who want to tear you apart.

9. Have your own life.

Being in a serious, committed relationship and it working in the long run requires that you have your own stuff going on. Staring at each other all the time will drive you crazy. Go be the awesome person you are in the world. Let them be, too.

10. That childhood shit? You're going to have to work through it now.

As the years stretch on, you're going to find yourself face-to-face with all the things you never wanted to deal with. All of the unresolved baggage both of you have been carting around is going to have to be unpacked. Get a therapist, and get to work.

11. Have each other's backs.

Have your disagreements, but back each other up publicly. With family. With friends. If you're in doubt, just say "You know, I agree with them."

12. Support, don't fix.

The person you're with is awesome. They don't need you to fix their problems. They just need to be able to lean on you.

13. Keep playing.

Have fun. Be silly. Life is short and beautiful and wonderful. Enjoy it together.

14. They're not for everyone.

Having real, supportive relationships with people who care about you is a basic human need. We have tons of data on this. But that doesn't mean you have to get it from one person, it doesn't mean that you've gotta bang, and it doesn't mean anyone ever has to put a ring on it. What's right for you is right for you. The end.

Did you enjoy these? Maybe check out another one below. Or the tools we have to live your most meaningful life.

Love